The Extremely Handy & Not At All Useless Guide to…

29 Jan

I will be the first person to tell you I suck with a blog. Matter of fact, I think I’ve mentioned this before…  I mean at first I’m all determined and excited to share something interesting.  That’s how it starts doesn’t it? You have an idea that needs to be shared.  But after awhile you forget about it or run out of time or out of ideas.  So yes, I admit it I am terrible at blogging!  I forget, and I get busy and I don’t even know what to say. And that’s most likely how you’ll end up with blogs like this.  Anyway, I figured I’d apologize – yes, that constitutes as an apology – for my neglect and move along to something far more interesting…

So I have this best friend named – I don’t even think she reads this blog so it’s okay if I name her right? Nancy, if you’re reading this and I’m not supposed to say you’re name then I’m sorry. Wait, you know what, just in case I won’t even mention it – Nameless and we always joke that her life is filled with movie moments.  And don’t act confused when you read that, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  And I don’t just mean the A typical chick flick moments, but actual movie moments.  Perhaps we just think this because we spend a large percentage of our day discussing movies.  Regardless the reason Nameless’ life is probably a mix of The Others, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and The Matrix.

Oh God, can you imagine?  The Matrix is actually Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory and while stuck there Neo begins to believe the oompa loompas are ghosts haunting the factory due to Wonka having terrorized them, dyed them orange and then held them hostage as musical slaves.  In the end Neo discovers he is dead, having been killed by a kick ass Laurence Fishburne. Perhaps there’s a twist ending and Jules and Vincent from Pulp Fiction show up.

I’m sorry did I break your concentration?*  Nameless’ life isn’t exactly like that per se, but I’d say pretty darn close only she’s either an oompa loompa or Laurence Fishburne…I haven’t quite figured that out yet.  The point that I was getting at – though it seems to be taking a very long time to get there – is I’m sure Nameless isn’t the only one who has movie moments. In fact I believe I have had a few myself.  Though mine result in more a Phantom Menace meets Ferris Bueller meets Die Hard, and my character is definitely one of the black extras from the Twist & Shout scene.

So if so many people have these movie moments then when can you draw the line between your normal life and your movie life?  If you can’t differentiate the two then you’ll have so many overlapping story lines and pointless characters that you know absolutely nothing about so don’t even care about in the least that you’ll end up with New Years Eve as your life.  Ba-zinga!  At this point you may be interested in what I’m getting at, or just want to know how to become one of the extras in the Twist & Shout scene, or at the very least thought my New Years Eve burn earned your attention a little longer.  In which case, let’s get on with it!  Here is my EXTREMELY HANDY & NOT AT ALL USELESS GUIDE TO WHEN YOUR LIFE IS BECOMING TOO MUCH OF A MOVIE AND NOT THE GOOD MATRIX/CHOCOLATE FACTORY/THE OTHERS KIND, BUT THE NEW YEARS EVE KIND:

1) If you and your significant other break up before one of you is set to leave the country and the person staying realizes that they’re letting the other get of course  there’s an airport moment after heavy pursuit.  Or even worse, the chaser believes they missed the one leaving and goes home defeated to find…the person back at home waiting.

How to avoid: Do NOT, I repeat do NOT chase anyone to the airport! We live in the 21st century chances are they have a phone if it’s really that urgent, and even greater chances are the country they are moving to also has phones and/or computers and/or addresses. Chances are you know this information because you only just broke up. If the situation is reversed and you are the chasee then reject the chaser when and if they catch up with you at the airport.

How to create this moment: Definitely chase. Or if you are the chasee either a) head back to the house or b) walk slowly at the airport so they can catch up with you.  Also, a sappy soundtrack seems to help these situations.

2) If you survived an explosion or a high jump without an injury except for the very suave scar and ash on your face (totally bad ass).                                        

How to avoid: Why are you even any where around an explosion or needing to jump off a building?  Unless you’re CIA or FBI or a bounty hunter or if you’re Bruce Willis, which means your life is pretty much already a movie.  I guess if you’re a normal person you can avoid this by not joining any of the above organizations or even standing around Bruce Willis.  If you are ever in an explosion just please don’t put on aviators as you walk away.

How to create this moment: Cool guys don’t look at explosions. Definitely slowly put on aviators as you walk away with the explosion behind you. Or pull a Marky Mark and wear a hat.

3) If you’re having a slumber party with your fellow blonde hotties – I guess this only applies to girls, however I’d be more than happy to host a slumber party with hot blonde male models – and hear a noise.  Suddenly the electricity goes out.  A window is open though you have no memory of having opened it.  Someone goes up stairs to check out the noise bringing along a flash light.  There’s a scream and silence.  After a few minutes you decide to go up stairs and check what’s happened to your friend.  I mean how bad can it be? She is probably just playing a cruel joke on you…                                                                

How to avoid: Invite over a black friend.  It’s the 21st Century so people understand you can’t just kill off the black friend first. Instead they off them second. That’s why if you have a black friend who stays by your side the whole night you have a 99% chance you’ll die third. Keep in mind this only works if you also invite over a third friend.  Ensure this person is more of an acquaintance because they’re definitely going to die.  Also, notice your black friend will be wise and decide it’s best to leave the house and call the authorities, once again, this will increase your chances of survival.                    

How to create this moment: Okay then, you’re obviously slightly disturbed.  But er…definitely volunteer checking what’s upstairs.  And it doesn’t hurt to skip the flashlight and go old school, use a candle.  Also, purchase a home with an attic.

4) If there’s a camera crew following you. You’re definitely in a documentary (or yay! reality TV)…or a mockumentary in which case gear up for some faux haunting crap.                                                                                                                               

How to avoid: Don’t sign contracts your lawyer hasn’t looked over. Avoid film friends.                                                                                                                                        

How to create this moment: Do something just about anyone else can do, but be attractive and dysfunctional while doing it.  Examples: make a sex tape, treat your children like living dolls, have a baby at 16, gym, tan and do laundry while promoting Ed Hardy?- What the hell do those Jersey kids do? – If you don’t happen to be attractive begin collecting items of all sorts but refusing to organize, or just become obese. If you’d like to stick to film I’d simply suggest making a film about any issue that can be the start of a campaign.  People love a cause!..Or a ghost story.

5) If some form of mainstream indie is playing while you stare silently at the ocean/significant other or simply sit in an empty tub while deep in thought. 

How to avoid: You’re not that deep so just don’t think while staring off.      

How to create this moment: It’s called a soundtrack. I suggest creating one that suits your own life. Should include a happy-go-lucky wake up song.

6) (My personal favorite) If while running late for something you collide with a stranger and drop your purse/bag or papers and they bend down to help pick them up and apologize though it was definitely your fault.  The two of you accidentally allow your hands to touch and there’s a sudden spark.  You leave but you accidentally leave something behind that he/she will use to find you to tell you they love you! Wow, sometimes touching a hand can be that powerful.  

How to avoid: If you live in the kind of town/city where people help you pick up your stuff after physically assaulting them then LEAVE NOW! Seriously, you have to wonder what people who are that nice are actually planning.  It’s probably just bottled up inside of them.  Also, anyone who has fallen for you after simply touching your hand is definitely desperate.                                      

How to create this moment: Run through the streets bumping into everyone and leaving behind something with your number/name, or an article of clothing that they will later trace back to you through store records (cause if that doesn’t say love…) until someone finally shows up at your place of business to claim his/her undying and inappropriate love for you in front of all your colleagues (because of that doesn’t say love…).

7) If suddenly you find you and your friends, or a bunch of strangers breaking out into spontaneous song and dance in public usually to a song that refers to a main story line occurring in your life. Example, fighting over a man with your best friend? Try The Boy is Mine.  Take note, this does not count if you had planned a flash mob.  I mean actual spontaneous song and dance. The kind where you’re fighting with your best friend and instead of having an actual conversation, the two of you in unison begin the first verse. And then of course random people on the street who you have never met before will also seem to know the song and join in. And isn’t it handy that they also seem to know the same dance steps?                                                                                                                     

How to avoid: Please don’t sing your feelings. Life isn’t Glee.                                  

How to create this moment: Build up your song vocabulary with all the favorites.  While you yourself can always be prepared, there’s no saying whether your friends or random strangers will also join in.  There’s definitely a greater chance of others joining in if it’s a song everyone loves and is familiar with.

8) If you’re bitten by a radioactive spider and suddenly find yourself having spider characteristics that you could put towards saving the world (okay, your city). Or if your parents are murdered and you feel the need to avenge their death, but realize that you have such talent and finances in the field that you’re needed to save the world (okay, your city).  Or if you were born on a different planet and your inhuman abilities make you an asset to planet Earth (or just your city, lazy).  Or if you’re a mutant who discovers a school for freaks like you (okay, maybe I’m a little jealous…) and realizes your inhuman abilities will either make you a hero or a villain, both of which will be isolated and ridiculed by society.  Or if you’re just a regular guy/girl who’s always wanted to be a superhero and what better chance than to order a spandex suit and walk around your city with nunchucks.                                                                                        

How to avoid: With great power comes great responsibility.  And trust me, you don’t want this kind of responsibility.  You thought your school loan was a lot? Try ridding your city of every bank robber, murderer, rapist and peeping tom.  If you’re born with inhuman qualities or accidentally bitten by a spider just try to blend in with the rest of society.  Or use it to your advantage! Why not rob a bank or mind trick people?                                                                                     

How to create this moment: Buy a spandex suit, some nunchucks, pick out an obvious name, create a facebook page and have your friend catch you on video doing something heroic.  Or if you know any radioactive spiders…

I really hope my EXTREMELY HANDY & NOT AT ALL USELESS GUIDE TO WHEN YOUR LIFE IS BECOMING TOO MUCH OF A MOVIE AND NOT THE GOOD MATRIX/CHOCOLATE FACTORY/THE OTHERS KIND, BUT THE NEW YEARS EVE KIND has been useful in your pursuit to having a normal life. This guide in no way reflects the likeness of no actual films.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful day!

*Oh God, if you didn’t get that reference, I’m not sure if we can be friends.


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